The new millennium has set the stage \u2014 we\u2019ve evolved into global entertainers, whether we\u2019ve noticed it or not. Our imaginations of advanced futures were bright with flying, lightning-quick cars and instant dinners to cure world hunger. That was until our future brought us a glass video camera and 24-hour access to the world at our fingertips, so why wouldn\u2019t we put on a show? Your life hacks and Monday morning team meetings are interspliced into the same algorithm that gives you leveled-out Palestinian cities and lustful thirst traps on full display for the masses! What\u2019s the matter? Are you not entertained? And to throw my hat in the debate of who is fake or \u201cperformative,\u201d at least I\u2019ll be honest when I\u2019m putting on an act.<\/p>\n
So to hash out the world\u2019s current affairs and hopefully \u201cget the band back together,\u201d I made a quick call to my stomping grounds \u2014 the donation bins, which to my surprise, a familiar face graced by. Made out of polyurethane plastic and missing one of his Tupperware boots, the long-gone (but not forgotten) Howdy Doody<\/strong><\/a> came back to life. \u201cConsidering I haven\u2019t had your hand in my ass for the last decade, I\u2019d say I\u2019m doing pretty well,\u201d Doody says.<\/p>\n Doody and I were stage partners for the better half of grade school. The fascination came about after seizure-inducing reruns of Jeff Dunham <\/strong><\/a>specials and that one episode of The Twilight Zone<\/a> <\/em>where a ventriloquist gets tormented by his living dummy. \u201cTo think your parents were worried about video games rotting your brain,\u201d Doody says. It was on one Christmas morning when Doody showed up in his cheap, translucent suitcase that things would change forever. For me, it was a theatrical connection bound to contend with the likes of Siegfried & Roy<\/strong><\/a>. However, Doody remembers it differently: \u201cYeah, you were alright,\u201d Doody says. \u201cA little chubby and full of hope, but with good intentions nonetheless. How\u2019s your acting career, by the way?\u201d<\/p>\n First came the abundance of talent shows of back-and-forth \u201ccomedy.\u201d I would nervously try to rudder through a routine, while Doody would hit back with one-liners. His Southern drawl was both charming and confusing, especially when his voice sounded like he was talking from one side of his mouth. \u201cY\u2019know, they saw your lips moving the whole time, right?\u201d Doody says. The act was whiplash improv, crowd work and dry delivery that made our audience courtesy laugh through most of the set. \u201cRemember that one time the teacher dragged you off stage after five minutes of crickets?\u201d Doody chuckles. \u201cI would\u2019ve shoved you in a suitcase myself after that.\u201d<\/p>\n I continued the schtick for a few years, trying my best to practice moving neither lips nor teeth. I even studied the greats like the vaudevillian Edgar Bergen<\/strong><\/a> who gave off a wooden demeanor in old films and stage performances. \u201cIt was hard to tell which one was the puppet,\u201d Doody says. However, I dropped the act after one night during a Benadryl febrile coma when I had visions of Doody attacking me with a meat cleaver. \u201cIt\u2019s idiotic that girlfriends call their relationships off after dreaming about their boyfriend cheating on them \u2014 you pretty much did that!\u201d Doody says. Before I knew it, Doody had his flannel button-ups and blue jeans packed for the Goodwill Outlet.<\/em><\/p>\n It was safe to say that our reunion was less reflection and more retaliation. Taking up a hobby I didn\u2019t understand involving an uncanny, humanoid doll that mostly freaked me out was meddlingly unhelpful. Ventriloquism is a craft blessed by trial and error, and someone who wants instant results (like I did) will be gravely disappointed. As for Doody and I, we\u2019ve buried the hatchet and are still friends today\u2026 and if not, I know a voodoo shop in Louisiana to dump him off at.<\/p>\n You know I have access to your Google Drive, right? You asshole! \u2014H.D<\/em>.<\/p>\n Read other unbelievable stories by Alton Barnhart:<\/strong>“It was hard to tell which one was the puppet.”<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\u201cTo think your parents were worried about video games rotting your brain,\u201d <\/strong><\/h3>\n
\nThere’s Something in the Woods: Utah’s New and Improved Cryptid<\/a><\/strong><\/em>
\nSkittlez: The Rapper Alter-Ego from my Musical Past<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"